


sugar

by Tator



Series: philkas week [2]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mention of Canonical Character Death, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, aka anne, bo tries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:39:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9193793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tator/pseuds/Tator
Summary: Lukas had the word ‘sugar’ lettered onto the bottom of his foot in such delicate handwriting that he forgot it was there most days. But sometimes, just sometimes, when the walls were caving in on him, and he couldn’t remember the sound of his mother’s voice, and he was so frustrated that the Playboy magazinesweren’t fucking working, he would sit cross legged and stare at the word until it tattooed itself on the back of his eyelids.





	

**Author's Note:**

> philkas week day 2: soulmates

Lukas had the word ‘sugar’ lettered onto the bottom of his foot in such delicate handwriting that he forgot it was there most days. But sometimes, just sometimes, when the walls were caving in on him, and he couldn’t remember the sound of his mother’s voice, and he was so frustrated that the Playboy magazines _weren’t fucking working_ , he would sit cross legged and stare at the word until it tattooed itself on the back of his eyelids. He imagined meeting a beautiful girl, soft curves, white picket fences, and kind eyes, even though he hoped for a boy with bloody knuckles and stories dancing behind his eyelids. 

***

Rose’s words were on the palm of her hand. They said, “I think I’m lost.” The lettering was so smooth and confident it couldn’t be Lukas, and they both knew the second they met that they weren’t soulmates. Every time he was around her, his head started buzzing with ideas and thoughts and anything and everything. He couldn’t focus on what she said most of the time because the buzzing just reminded him about how this was _wrong_ , but he ignored it. Rose never saw his word, and he never showed her. 

***

There was a new boy in town, and every time this boy looked Lukas’ way, he couldn’t help but feel like he was doused in ice water. Lukas could see the boy’s words under the collar of his shirt, but didn’t dare tried to read them. He couldn’t decide what would have been worse, if it was his handwriting staring back at him or if it wasn’t. He decided to just bare the cold instead.

***

The boy’s name was Philip and he lived with the town sheriff and vet just over the hill from his house. Lukas learned this information around the same time he learned the weight of the boy’s gaze. The only time he didn’t feel the chill down his spine was with a helmet over his head and the rumble of his bike under his feet. Lukas tried to kiss Rose harder, want her more, anything to make this boy get out of his head. He didn’t know how long he would be able to stay away. 

***

He dreamed about a boy with callouses on his fingers and a fight behind his tongue. Lukas woke up to a dark room and willed himself not to go back asleep. 

***

They were both in the grocery store, pretending they didn’t see each other, pretending they hadn’t been orbiting each other for a month. Lukas watched as Philip looked up and down the aisle for the third time, and all of a sudden he was standing next to him, asking, “Are you looking for something?” Philip looked up at him quick and put his hand on the back of his neck. Lukas held his breath. 

“Sugar,” Philip replied after a second. 

Lukas looked down for a second and tried to smile. “Uh, it’s over in the next aisle,” he replied. Philip nodded and looked like he was going to mutter a thank you and turn away. Lukas panicked. He didn’t want this beautiful boy to leave. It finally felt like something had clicked in his brain and he didn’t have to pretend there wasn’t a buzzing in his head because it almost wasn’t there. “I can show you?” It sounded like a question, but he didn’t know what he was asking. 

Philip smiled. Lukas’ foot burned. 

*** 

He wanted to kiss Philip. And he wanted him as far away as possible. And he wanted to feel Philip’s arms around him forever. And he wanted to burn everywhere he touched. And he wanted, and wanted, and wanted. And he couldn’t, and couldn’t, and couldn’t. So he didn’t. He didn’t until Philip said he was going to tell the sheriff about the murders, and then all of a sudden his body was pressed against Philip’s with his lips pressed against the other’s. 

Philip asked if he kissed him because he wanted to or he wanted Philip to shut up. Lukas wished so much for it to be the latter. But all he said was that he wasn’t supposed to like him that way, exposing himself a little too much.

Bo started to ask him why he was acting so strange. He told Lukas that he seemed to be spending a lot of time out in the barn alone, or in his room alone, or on his bike alone. Bo noticed that the only person he hung around was Philip, which was so rare now that Lukas was constantly fucking everything up. He said that it’s been a while he’s seen Lukas alone so much. Lukas just shrugged and said that he was studying really hard and training really hard, and it made him tired. 

He didn’t mention how he stared at the bottom of his foot and wondered why the universe gave him everything he ever wanted and everything he knew he couldn’t have. 

***

He dreamed of gun shots and killers and the taste of Philip. He still woke up hoping he wouldn’t go back to sleep.

***

“Are we ever going to talk about this?” Philip asked. He was annoyed. He was always annoyed when Lukas was around now a days, and Lukas was trying so _hard_. He was always trying to apologize for the awful things he had done to the other boy. He pushed his guilt from his violence and his screams and insecurities into their touches and their kisses. He begged for forgiveness when he gave Philip that camera and the gun to the sheriff. He was trying so hard and was just hoping the other boy saw that. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lukas muttered. 

“The hell you don’t,” Philip replied. “Look, Lukas, I’m keeping my mouth shut about the killer and about us and whatever else the hell you want, but you need to talk about this with me. You owe me that.” 

“I… I…” Lukas tried to think of something to say, but all he could do was fiddle with the rubber coming off the bar on his bike. “I’m not good at talking,” he settled on and remembered there time in the city when he told Philip he just didn’t have much to say. 

Philip snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, figured that out.” 

He hesitated. “I read this thing in school that said your words go somewhere that, like, represent you as a person, and like, I never got that for a long time. But I figured it out, you know. Rose’s are on her hand because she, like, was always so open and honest and would show you anything. And yours are on your back because, like, even though you can’t see it, you know it’s there. And I think that you know yourself a lot, so that makes sense. You can’t see in your own soul, but you know it,” he was looking at the floor. “Mine… Mine is on the bottom of my foot.” Lukas looked up at him, and the usual buzzing in his head started to form sentence after sentence that he blurted out until he felt like he gave up more of himself than he had to give. 

“And you said you never have anything to say,” Philip said after a second. 

“I don’t.” 

Philip rolled his eyes and kissed him. Lukas thought it wasn’t too bad of a reaction.

***

After he’s shot, Lukas doesn’t dream in his coma, but he thinks he hears Philip say he loves him. He hopes he wakes up.

***

He’s in the hospital for the second time, and even filled with drugs, he can’t fall asleep. He doesn’t want to. He sees that man’s face every time he closes his eyes, and he feels like he’s going to wake up in that trunk with Philip nowhere to be found. So, he doesn’t sleep, and it worries his dad. 

“Look, son, you can tell me anything, okay? The counselor said talking was supposed to help,” his dad says to him the second day. 

Lukas stays silent for a second. The medicine was making the buzzing in his head quieter, but it was still there. “I’m gay,” he says after a second. 

“I know,” Bo responds with the same hesitation. 

“Philip is my soulmate,” Lukas continues. 

“I’m glad you found him.” 

Lukas falls asleep a few minutes later. Bo smiles. Maybe they can fix this.

***

Lukas goes to see Philip the day he’s released from the hospital after he promises his dad he was fine to go out for a little while. He doesn’t ride the bike, thinking walking might be better. Helen answers the door with a sad smile and tells him that Philip hasn’t left his room since everything happened. 

He knocks on the door softly. Lukas wasn’t entirely sure that Philip would let him in. But he does, and the buzzing stops long enough to realize that Philip looks _tired_. “Hi,” Lukas says quietly. “Can I come in?”

Philip nods and opens the door only enough to let Lukas slip in. “How’s your shoulder?” 

“Hurts,” Lukas responds honestly. “You didn’t come.”

Philip looked like he was going to say something but changed his mind. Lukas could see Philip’s eyes get glossy, and Lukas pulled him into the best bear hug he could before Philip fully started crying. “He killed my mom,” Philip choked out, fisting his hands into Lukas’ t-shirt. 

“I’m so sorry, Philip,” Lukas whispered into his hair. “I’m so, so sorry.” He reached up with his good arm to card his fingers into Philip’s hair, whispering apologizes and promises until his throat went raw. 

***

Lukas’ dad lets him sleep over at Philip’s house on the weekend, and the sheriff and Gabe agree because they’re so worried Philip is isolating himself from the world. Neither one of them sleeps. Instead they whisper about a future they aren’t sure they’ll get to have and about living in the city on the sixteenth floor with high ceilings. 

***

“I want to show you something,” Lukas said as they were lying in bed. Philip’s head was resting on Lukas’ shoulder, and Lukas was playing with Philip’s hair. It had been a week and a half since Lukas left the hospital, and he had only been back at school two days. Philip hasn’t gone back yet, so Lukas brings by his missed work when he comes to visit. 

Philip hummed. 

Lukas shifted so that he wanted accidently elbow Philip as he sat up. He pulled his sock off, and pulled his foot forward. Philip sat up and draped himself over Lukas’ back. “That your mark?” he asked. Lukas nodded. “It actually makes my hand writing look sorta nice.”

“Nah, it still looks like chicken scratch,” he lied. It didn’t look like chicken scratch at all. It looked like promise of a future without Lukas having to hide anymore. 

Philip traced over the letter s, and Lukas’ foot twitched. “Ticklish?” 

“No.” 

Philip snorted. “Okay,” he said sarcastically. “Do you want to see mine?” He asked after a second. 

“I’ve already seen yours.” 

“Do you want to see it now though?” 

Lukas nodded, and Philip turned away from him and took off his shirt. The script was in two short lines at the top of Philip’s spine. Lukas wanted to reach out and touch it, but he was afraid that his hand writing would disappear if he tried to. “My hand writing is ugly,” he says instead because he feels like he has to acknowledge the moment somehow. 

“I like it,” Philip replies. “It’s like you. A little sharp but simple, easy to understand.” 

“You like me, huh?” 

Lukas thought that Philip would give a smart comment in return like he usually did, but all he said was, “I love you.” 

Lukas smiled to himself. He reached out to touch the mark, and the buzzing in his head stopped. “I love you, too. Even though you have chicken scratch for hand writing.” Philip turned around and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> this will also be posted onto my [tumblr](http://bagels-and-seagulls.tumblr.com/)


End file.
